pictures are easier than words

blue hair has proved an effective anti-depressant. for which i am grateful.

but i still feel like an undead humpty dumpty (franken dumpty?). i'm slowly coming back to life. i left my apartment every day since a week ago last wednesday. i've been seeing people and doing things. but i've also been sleeping at least twelve to fifteen hours a day. and i haven't been to class.

azuzil asked about the waitressing. honestly, i will not be able to get a job until december. my stomach has been healing and i'm off antibiotics, but i'm taking acidopholus (sp) and imodium and prescription nausea meds. my bowels are pissy (har har). leaving the house for a grocery run or to meet a friend for lunch drains my energy for the rest of the day. today i did the dishes and vacuumed the bathroom (shaved sandy's tail a la degu due to a rash from old ant bites that kept scabbing) and had to nap before hitting the new dog park (on 610 and westpark, just south of 59, not as big as millie bush but forty minutes closer, awesome). physically i'm not up to much of anything much less a regular job.

mentally i'm still crazy. getting better but slowly. kicking the meds due to stomach revolution helped clear some residual funk. yesterday i began lamictal again. three weeks of building prior to full dosing. we'll see how the balancing acts. my trusty xanax is helpful but i've been having interesting side swings lately - not depression or anxiety or excited agitation but rather a fuzzy incomprehension. i was separated from my mother at linens and things and spent ten minutes staring at a spatula before sitting in a (massage, woo hoo) chair by the door as i could not begin to find her. i drove to campus to meet with a professor on monday and ended up at shepherd and west gray (in the opposite direction entirely, north west as opposed to south east). i have trouble completing thought processing and talking is ridiculously hard. keep in mind, this is without the meds.

one of the hardest parts of rebuilding is not the slowing down or allowing myself to heal: it's the lowering of expectations for tasks as i resume. i hope to return to epidemiology class this week (knock wood). pretty necessary as there is one lecture on tuesday and a review on thursday for the second exam the following tuesday. i have not been to class since the week prior to the first exam. i am going to have to work my ass off to pass the class. pass. meaning c or possibly low b. i have not received any score below an a since leaving nyu in 2002. even then, b's were rare. i do not know if i EVER earned a c in my life. and now i'm going to have to work harder and study harder than ever before just to make a c. in the only class i have this semester. rationally i understand that passing this class will be a huge triumph, but in my head it is hard to accept a c as a good thing.


my new therapist had a good point yesterday. i brought up the fact that it is almost time to send out holiday cards. last year i wasn't able to send them out until june (when i issued a mass multi-holiday/graduation announcement/birthday party invitation to seventy folks). so this year's cards would only cover june until december. and what have i done since june? moved, bought a dog, gone crazy, and failed school. rock!

she asked a good question (didn't have me imagine climbing a mountain or laying in a pool of water or anything, just asked the question): why do you need to write holiday letters? and the killer follow-up: what would happen if you didn't? it was the best thing she has said since i have started seeing her. i like writing letters because i feel that keeping in touch with those you love is important. plus, i like getting mail and receiving my own warm fuzzies (thank you, rkb, by the way). but why the december deadline. in dacia's words: it's not like i give a crap about the baby jesus. so i think a new tradition was started this year with june holiday cards. because if i have to send out holiday notes they may as well be for flag day (in honor of car dealerships, mattress sales, and my birthday).

so i have an extension on my next formal review of my progress as a human being/adult person. and that is the theme of my current life. relaxing standards, extending personal deadlines, and giving myself a break.

the advice of many in these tough times: just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should. i'm working hard on taking it.