on death and dying

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified five stages of grief:
1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depression
5. acceptance

These steps are non-linear and not everyone experiences, but they can be a useful model when examining one’s own grief.

Right now I am grieving. I am grieving my old life – my life in new york, with friends, school, work, teaching gigs, writing, a great therapist, and the ability to keep going and take care of everything and everyone with only two or three breakdowns in five years. Hey, it was a good life.

I am also grieving my future – I am grieving the anticipated ability to take care of everyone and do everything I needed to do to achieve goals, the ability to put the greater good in front of my own, even the potential of children.

But mostly I am grieving my sanity. I have dealt with depression and anxiety and now bipolar type 2 for fourteen of twenty-three years (not since I was 14, 14 years total). I thought I had it figured out.
Step one: be aware of my moods, depressions, and anxiety.
Step two: maintain a support network
Step three: seek therapy
Step four: seek psychiatric/medication help when necessary

One, two, three, four and everything would be fine and dandy. Only now I’m learning that those four hardly-easy steps are not enough. I can not control my illness.

I am grieving that control.

In terms of my grief, I am struggling with anger and rage as well as great depression. I am so pissed off. And for one of the first times in my life I can admit that I am angry. And I can scream and cry and rage. I am allowed to feel this. I am not ashamed. For the first time, I do not feel guilty for being upset.

In the last five years I cried three times: when my pappaw died, and twice due to my boss. I have sobbed regularly over the past few months. But over this past week, I have cried tears. And I feel that catharsis coming.

I recently started an embroidery sampler (it is amazing how much quicker a tattoo is than an embroidery piece). It states:

I did not cause it.
I can not cure it.
I can not control it.
I can COPE with it.


That is exactly what I am working towards. The skills and ability necessary to COPE with this for the rest of my life.