i miss the pain

*warning - bad depression poetry-ish ramblings ahead!*

i miss cutting
the instant gratification
the visual sensation
the pain
the relief of falling asleep
exhausted
sobbing

i miss kolonopin
knocking me out for 13 hours
on half a dose
no dreams
lost time
but sleep

i miss xanax
when it calmed the panic
before the storm
as opposed to rocking me like an ocean
crashing down all over
bruised and sloshed

and the valium
lowers the waters but increases the waves
i can walk better but now i rock all on my own
shaky hands
trembling legs
vibrating pupils
all i need is a wall behind to headbang effectively

so now there is ativan.
we'll see how we do.
i hope i don't miss it soon.