i was just trying to sleep

i had a bad night last night. losts of negative and self-destructive thoughts and sobbing and such. for no particular reason, thank you bipolar.

so i decided to drug myself to sleep. just in case i wrote a note:

*i am not trying to kill myself.

i am just trying to sleep.

i am taking 2 xanax 3mg, 2 ambiens, and some valerian root, as well as my regular evening meds. i have aso had 2 beers and 2 shots of southern comfort.

i don't want to hurt sandy or myself.

i just want to sleep.*

so i slept. right through my damn therapist appointment. talk about your irony. fortunately she can see my later this afternoon.

i feel like an idiot and i feel like i'm crazy (duh) and i feel like i'm still at the whim of my moods and swings. despite the fact that panic is just an emotion and anxiety is just a feeling. i'm working on despair. because that is the new overwhelming one. goddam this shit.

and now all my old highschool friend are coming home for the holidys and i have to be social and smiley and pretend i;m happy weighing almost a hundred pounds more than high school and explaining that grgad school sucks and i may be dropping out and, by the way, i spent the fall going crazy. fuck me.