My libido, the prairie dog

My libido or my sanity… a difficult choice.

Over the last few months of difficult adjustment, I’ve had to make a choice. Actually, several choices.

First, I chose not to pursue rampant casual sex in a compulsive grab to assuage my manic episodes. Instead, I burrowed in my apartment and jerked off like a fiend.

I chose not to pursue sex work, a tool previously used to moderate my sexual compulsivity. I chose this for many reasons, among them legal, lack of support system, and general lack of good head space/emotional state. If I couldn’t hook happily, I wouldn’t whore at all.

My third choice is more ambivalence than a direct “I choose…” statement. I have dated very cautiously. I have strained emotional resources and feel that I have little to bring to a relationship right now.

Sounds like the perfect set up for casual flings, right? Wrong. Because I have no libido.

More specifically, my libido is burrowed deep in a hole. It spends most of its time there. Every now and then it will perk up and look around at the sun. Sometimes it will even scamper. But undoubtedly, before I have a chance to act on it and pursue a partner, it jumps back in to its tight dark hole and hides.

Not that this has slowed down my masturbation. But it has certainly slowed down my orgasms. Sometimes I can have three or four orgasms in a row. Sometimes, after forty five minutes, I turn the Hitachi off and roll over to sleep, unsatisfied.

I know the lull is due to my conscious choices and my recovering mental health. But it is also due to my current medication cocktail. All four of my medications list sexual side effects.

The meds have helped me regain my life. But it is a different life than the one I had. After being such a sexually voracious tart (and very much incorporating that in to my identity) I find myself lacking much sexual appetite at all.

I know this is right for me for now, but the bottom line is, I miss the old sexy jane. I want my libido back, dammit!

O, my first orgasm

There's a new blog a'brewin'. O, my first orgasm is setting out to be a collection of personal essays on first orgasm. Here's the call for submissions.

Among the existing “first time” anthologies there remains a void – discussion of first orgasm. First orgasm is unique in its diversity as a common experience.

In my quest for orgasm, I researched heavily. I read instructional guides, watched films, and attended lectures. Sadly, most of what I found was geared towards forty-something married women with attentive partners. As a young single woman, I felt alienated. What little I could find that I related to seemed to focus on the mythical shower head. I would look up at my wall-mounted shower and wonder, “How the heck am I supposed to get my vagina up there?”

Now that my little sister is beginning her search for orgasm, I am hoping to provide her (and the rest of us) with a new resource – a collection of explicit personal essays on first orgasm.

I was hoping you would be interested in contributing to this collection of personal essays on first orgasm. Currently, the collection is being posted to O, my first orgasm at omyfirstorgasm.blogspot.com. I hope to create an anthology proposal out of the submissions. Please indicate in your reply if you would be interested in participating in the anthology, as well as the website.

Previously published works as well as brand spanking new pieces are welcome. We can not provide monetary remuneration at this time but are happy to link to your website. If the project makes the jump to print media, remuneration will be available.

Your piece can be as long or as short as it needs. Please creatively interpret the theme of first orgasm. For example, first orgasm could mean first in a certain circumstance, first alone, first with a partner, first in public, first with a group, first in front of a camera, first after an event, first with medication, first on Viagra, first with a vibrator, first female/male ejaculation, first with a woman, first with a man, first time faking (or not faking), first post transition, or first ever. At this time, we can not accept pieces with underage characters. If you were fortunate enough to experience your first orgasm before 18, please write about a different orgasm.

Please feel free to circulate this call for submissions.

Submissions should be sent to omyfirstorgasm@yahoo.com. Thank you.

sandy's graduation

sandy's graduation
Originally uploaded by the_educated_slut.

sandy graduated obedience class tonight. she was most improved student and did her rountine perfectly. momma is so proud.

you like me! you really like me!

the chapbooks have all sold out! if you are still yearning for one, or intended to purchase one but never got me the money, comment here or email me a heads up. i'm going to do a small second run this weekend so asap on those requests, por favor.

better now

so how can i make my first double and first time carrying a section even harder on myself? forget to take my medication. two doses. that's a dozey.

but i survived, in gliding if not flying colors. and they want me back. which is a good thing.

i even made $150 for the guy who's section i was running. how much did i make? $25 bucks. and people wonder why anyone would choose to do sex work.

did you know that gay men in houston shop at target? amazing...

better now

so how can i make my first double and first time carrying a section even harder on myself? forget to take my medication. two doses. that's a dozey.

but i survived, in gliding if not flying colors. and they want me back. which is a good thing.

i even made $150 for the guy who's section i was running. how much did i make? $25 bucks. and people wonder why anyone would choose to do sex work.

did you know that gay men in houston shop at target? amazing...

how's it going?

i have now trained three shifts and i'm exhausted. i also just took my test which included writing full descriptions of every single item on the menu. i have no idea how many i can miss, but i'm sure i'm grazing the bottom line, if not under it entirely. when i was taking the test i almost walked out, thinking "fuck this". but it had already cost me so much anticipatory anxiety. plus, my shrink would be dissappointed in me if i quit. so i go back in for the evening shift in an hour, where i will run someone's section, and then possibly be fired. wahoo.

but at least i get to wear my gaypron.