see jane run away

very dear former roommate gave me the most wonderful christmas present: $500 to take a trip.

so this april, with the thaw, jane will be road tripping from houston to san francisco and back again. i'll take I-10 over, possibly dipping down to San Diego instead of LA, and then go up to the coast. the way back will cut through nevada, colorado, and new mexico.

so, where should i stop along the way? i'm planning on camping and hostels. who and what should i make a point to see? i'm printing a listing of all the accredited museums in the usa, and another less choosy list for each state. anyone know a place i can find naked ladies or dead babies in jars?

i'm hoping to contact Joanie Blank and maybe buy her lunch. i want to discuss a line of sex toys for the arthritic.

so, if you want to offer me advice, food, or a bed, give me a heads up. i have plenty of time to plan this out, although a little spontaneity will be unavoidable.

i was just trying to sleep

i had a bad night last night. losts of negative and self-destructive thoughts and sobbing and such. for no particular reason, thank you bipolar.

so i decided to drug myself to sleep. just in case i wrote a note:

*i am not trying to kill myself.

i am just trying to sleep.

i am taking 2 xanax 3mg, 2 ambiens, and some valerian root, as well as my regular evening meds. i have aso had 2 beers and 2 shots of southern comfort.

i don't want to hurt sandy or myself.

i just want to sleep.*

so i slept. right through my damn therapist appointment. talk about your irony. fortunately she can see my later this afternoon.

i feel like an idiot and i feel like i'm crazy (duh) and i feel like i'm still at the whim of my moods and swings. despite the fact that panic is just an emotion and anxiety is just a feeling. i'm working on despair. because that is the new overwhelming one. goddam this shit.

and now all my old highschool friend are coming home for the holidys and i have to be social and smiley and pretend i;m happy weighing almost a hundred pounds more than high school and explaining that grgad school sucks and i may be dropping out and, by the way, i spent the fall going crazy. fuck me.

i feel like this

http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=508

mind yourself

i love my new therapist. she is a cognitive-behavorial therapist. we make maps of where i want my life to be. we create goal and value fueled lists of tasks and actions to be taken. we make lists and charts and graphs together. she even brought me a pear. i think i'm in love.


except she also brought me two cds. one is for meditation. the other is for "mindfulness". the first is 45 minutes while the second is only 15. because i like her so much, i decided to give them a try.

i drew a bath, left my sex toys in the cabinet, and plugged in my cd alarm clock. i put on the mindfulness mix. a guy came on sounding like mr. rogers talking about watching my thoughts without acting on them.

great in concept. in practice, i suck! i lasted nine minutes. not even nine minutes of the cd. nine minutes from when i plugged in the cd player. and that included his little introduction about how to sit. argh.

but i really respect my therapist and i need to "get in touch with my body and emotions" etc etc. so i'm going to keep trying. tomorrow i'll aim for eleven minutes.

rested vs restless

now that i have graduated the program i have my days back. problem: i am very productive. the reason this is a problem is that i'm running out of things to do. and it is only tuesday! my apartment is more organized than it has ever been. I have appointments with allergists, dentists, and, of course, my therapist.

yesterday i hung out with two great friends. OOgoddess and I enjoyed babaganoush and fresh pita and then lay on the grass in her backyard. my friend from school (you know, THE friend from school) and I had dinner at house of pies and saw "Jesus is Magic" which was funny but late for the 4am riser in me.

I liked the song to old people about how "you're all going to die soon". I want to add a verse, "so have the best sex of your life".

i've made two spanish-language cds: one to sing to and one to dance to. i've hung shelves and pictures and reorganized shelving units. i've played with eyeliner and hair color. sandy has been to the dog park every day. i've done laundry and dishes daily and take multiple baths each evening (please forgive me, mother earth, but i split my water bill with the entire complex).

i start working at the fire work stands next week. i just have to last until then. that is the challenge. local people, i call on you to entertain me and keep me sane. thank you.

graduated crush

I have a crush

A passion. An obsession.

On a woman in my group therapy at the psychiatric hospital. Breakdowns and breakthroughs have brought us together.

The day she entered group, all tiny and butch, I asked her if she was transgender. I wanted to ensure I was utilizing the appropriate pronouns. Her response:

“What? Like do I think I’m a boy?”

Because I am not in new york anymore. And Texas trannies seem to be few and far between but fierce as all get out.

This big fat femme blushed as I bumbled to explain my pronoun-ed intentions.

“We’ll have to talk some time,” she replied and a crush was born.

Sometimes during stress management and relaxation exercises, when our eyes are all closed, counting out breaths from the diaphragm: in through the nose, out through the mouth. I want to quietly slither across the linoleum and in to her lap. Kissing her raw knees. Causing her to gasp at this creature between her legs and urge silence with her finger to my lips. Silently sucking the finger down in to the back of my throat, flicking its creased belly with my tongue. Then exhaling her finger to the count of five as I push up off of her knees and tip toe back to my side of the circle.

Yes, mam. A crush.

A tragic crush that can never be acted upon. Because we are both far too vulnerable (not to mention fucked up) for a relationship at this point. And a friendship would only lead to premature sexual encounters that would sabotage the already doomed future. Miss Aimee Mann knows what I’m talking about when she sings, “Now that I’ve met you/ would you object to/ never seeing each other again.”

At least until one of us graduates the program.
Which I just did.
On Friday.

So now the question of sitting still or acting arises to challenge the mind vs emotion divide.

breakthrough

Anger is not a character flaw.

It is an emotion.

Can you believe it?

So I can be angry and express that anger (in healthy ways) and then feel better as opposed to internalizing all that anger and rage and further beating myself up for being a horrible person because I was angry in the first place.

This is huge! Because I started doing it before I cognitively grasped it. I have been expressing my anger for the last couple of weeks as a part of grieving my mental health. I gave myself permission to be angry because it is a step of the grief process. Sunday I realized that I was feeling better. And then I realized…

This is quite possibly the largest therapeutic breakthrough thus far in my like o’ therapy. Anger as a character flaw and consequently internalized and amplified has had a direct effect on my suicide attempts and self mutilation SINCE I WAS NINE YEARS OLD (my mother even says eight but I don’t remember eight so I say nine).

Bwah ha ha ha ha. I feel like I have unearthed some great secret.

Bonus breakthrough: not every list has to be a to-do list. Inconceivable!

i miss the pain

*warning - bad depression poetry-ish ramblings ahead!*

i miss cutting
the instant gratification
the visual sensation
the pain
the relief of falling asleep
exhausted
sobbing

i miss kolonopin
knocking me out for 13 hours
on half a dose
no dreams
lost time
but sleep

i miss xanax
when it calmed the panic
before the storm
as opposed to rocking me like an ocean
crashing down all over
bruised and sloshed

and the valium
lowers the waters but increases the waves
i can walk better but now i rock all on my own
shaky hands
trembling legs
vibrating pupils
all i need is a wall behind to headbang effectively

so now there is ativan.
we'll see how we do.
i hope i don't miss it soon.